Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
