My friends, they love my intelligence
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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