He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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