Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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