dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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