I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
