she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Randomize
