WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
