I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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