I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
