the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
