I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
