I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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