Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Randomize
