Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
