oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
