Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
only you would photoshop your dick
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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