I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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