I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
