I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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