Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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