I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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