my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
