So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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