My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
