you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
