Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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