Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
