everyone is single if you try hard enough
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
