its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My feet surprised me
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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