I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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