girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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