I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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