did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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