Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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