Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
