if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
