i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
