Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
