I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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