i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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