He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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