my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
