My liver just broke up with me...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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