Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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