The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
