Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
