you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
