I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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