literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I have grass duct taped all over my body
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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