neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
