She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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