babies were throwing up all over the place
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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