just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize