These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
