I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
