I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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