I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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