My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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