ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
