god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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