I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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