this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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