WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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