Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
