there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
