Apparently you make a good broom.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
