seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
