I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
