Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
