I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
