I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
