Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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