I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I need water and some morals
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize