She announced her abortion via fbk
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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