Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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