I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
