totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
