She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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